Call me by your name （英译汉）（6）
下面第一段是临近第一章结尾的地方，也是将Elio内心挣扎推到高潮的地方，这是一个令我惊喜又惊吓的片段。
[————以下为相当厚脸皮的言论————]
之所以说惊吓是因为我一看到他一丝不挂地钻到被单间，盘着枕头的举动，我就第一时间想起了我写的蒋丞Solo里的情景！我手心发凉，心想，不会吧，就这么稀里糊涂地撞了梗？我发誓从来没看过这本书啊！
读完之后真的是觉得好惊喜！好荣幸！就是自己对情感的理解被验证了的感觉。这个片段的描写我完全没有感到有心理的扭曲或者变//态，而更多的是心疼。我心疼Elio和我心疼失恋的蒋丞一样。我当时想写的就是那种爱而不得，思念成魔，情之所至的感觉。我希望我有写出那么一星半点。
第二段是在讲想要拥有一个人还是想要成为那个人。这里虽然意义不尽相同，但是我还是第一时间想到了蒋丞Solo里我写的那句“他无法得到他，便想将自己变成他。”
话说蒋丞Solo那篇写的时候是一时来了灵感，我把其它两个开了一半的车扔下了，专心来写它。之后不久真是机缘巧合注意到了Call me by your name 的电影，然后决定先去把书看了。感觉这就是冥冥中的安排，很奇妙的感觉。如果我先看了书，那大概就不会写出自己的那篇文字了，因为会觉得借鉴得太露骨。
这也使我想到了抄袭这个话题，如果不是证据确凿，抄袭行为很难非黑即白地定夺，人类在最根本上作为同一物种情感是相通，有的时候也许只是世界两端的两个人类心灵微妙地产生了一次共鸣，感知了同样的事情，记录了下来而已。
[————以上为相当厚脸皮的言论————]
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On impulse, I removed my bathing suit and began to put his on. I knew what I wanted, and I wanted it with the kind of intoxicated rapture that makes people take risks they would never take even with plenty of alcohol in their system. I wanted to come in his suit, and leave the evidence for him to find there. Which was when a crazier notion possessed me. I undid his bed, took off his suit, and cuddled it between his sheets, naked. Let him find me—I’ll deal with it, one way or another. I recognized the feel of the bed. My bed. But the smell of him was all around me, wholesome and forgiving, like the strange scent which had suddenly come over my entire body when an elderly man who happened to be standing right next to me in a temple on Yom Kippur placed his tallis over my head till I had all but disappeared and was now united with a nation that is forever dispersed but which, from time to time, comes together again when one being and another wrap themselves under the same piece of cloth. I put his pillow over my face, kissed it savagely, and, wrapping my legs around it, told it what I lacked the courage to tell everyone else in the world. Then I told him what I wanted. It took less than a minute.
冲动之下，我把我的泳裤脱掉了，开始穿上他的。我知道我想要什么，我想要的带着令人陶醉的快感，那种能让人去冒酒喝多了都不敢冒的险的快感。我想she在他的泳裤里，并把罪证留在那里让他发现。这时我被另一个更加疯狂的想法上了身。我掀开他的被子，脱掉他的泳裤，搂着它钻到被单之间，一丝不挂。任他来发现我吧 — 我后果自负，无论怎样。我熟悉这个床的感觉。我的床。但是他的气息笼罩着我，是治愈身心且宽容的，就好像有一次赎罪日在礼拜堂中，我突然被一种陌生的香气浸没，是一位恰巧站在我身边的长者把他的祈祷披肩拉过了我的头顶，直到我几乎完全消失在其中，那一刻我与一个永远被疏散了的民族结合了，一个时不时还可以通过两个将自己裹在同一块布下的人而聚合的民族。我用他的枕头盖住我的脸，野蛮地亲吻着，接着将腿盘了上去，向它倾诉了我没有勇气对任何人讲的话。然后我让他知道了我想要的是什么。只用了不到一分钟 。
…………
Did I want to be like him? Did I want to be him? Or did I just want to have him? Or are “being” and “having” thoroughly inaccurate verbs in the twisted skein of desire, where having someone’s body to touch and being that someone we’re longing to touch are one and the same, just opposite banks on a river that passes from us to them, back to us and over to them again in this perpetual circuit where the chambers of the heart, like the trapdoors of desire, and the wormholes of time, and the false-bottomed drawer we call identity share a beguiling logic according to which the shortest distance between real life and the life unlived, between who we are and what we want, is a twisted staircase designed with the impish cruelty of M. C. Escher.
我是想像他一样？我是想成为他？还是我只是想拥有他？又或者“成为”和“拥有”对于纠缠不清的欲望来说是完全不准确的动词，因为拥有他人可供触摸的身体和成为那个我们都渴望去触摸的人其实是同一码事，只不过是河流的两岸在我们和他们之间来回传递，回到我们这边又传到他们那边，形成了一个永久的循环，那里欲望闸门般的心室，时间的虫洞，和被我们当成暗箱抽屉对待的身份认同，都尊崇同一个迷人心窍的逻辑，那就是在真实生活与没过上的生活之间，在真实的自我和我们想要成为的人之间，最短的距离，就是那个M. C. Escher带着调皮的残忍设计出来的扭转的楼梯。
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